YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE EVERYONE'S CUP OF TEA. BUT YOU SHOULD BE SOMEONE'S.

Hi, it’s Maria, and I have a little issue with the phrase, "I'm not everyone's cup of tea."

Not because I disagree with it. I actually think it's a pretty healthy thing to

understand about yourself. You're not going to be everyone's favorite person, and you probably shouldn't spend your life trying to be.

But somewhere along the way, I think we started using that phrase to excuse

some things that have absolutely nothing to do with personal preference. Someone finds you difficult to work with? You're not everyone's cup of tea.

Someone tells you that you hurt their feelings? You're not everyone's cup of tea.

People keep having the same issues with you in different relationships? Well, clearly, they just can't handle your personality.

At what point do we consider that maybe the tea isn't the problem? I say this as someone who has a pretty strong personality. I have opinions, I like things done well, and I'm not particularly interested in pretending I agree with something when I don't. I've always been comfortable knowing what I like and what I don't, and I have no problem expressing it.

But I also know that having a strong personality and being a difficult person are two very different things. And I think we sometimes confuse them because it's a lot easier to say someone doesn't understand us than to consider whether there's something about the way

we're showing up that could use a little work.

I've had to learn this myself, especially through managing people and now owning BARE. For example, I love having high standards. I think they're important, and I'm not

interested in lowering them just to make things easier. But I've also had to

recognize that there's a difference between expecting something to be done well and expecting it to be done exactly the way I would have done it.

Those two things can feel very similar when you're the person making the decisions.

I've caught myself wanting people to take initiative while also having a very

specific opinion about how they should do it. I've wanted people to feel

comfortable bringing me ideas, but I've had to be mindful of how quickly I

respond with what I would change.

And I've had to recognize that even when my

intentions are good, the experience of working with me is determined by more than what I intended.

If I want people to feel comfortable being honest with me, I have to make sure I'm someone they actually feel comfortable being honest with. I can't just announce that I value transparency and expect everyone to believe me.

And I certainly can't respond to every piece of feedback with, "Well, that's just how I am." Because while that might explain my behavior, it doesn't automatically excuse it. I think this applies to so many areas of life outside of work, too.

We all know someone who prides themselves on being brutally honest, but

somehow the emphasis always seems to land on the brutal part. Or someone who

describes themselves as independent when what they really mean is that they

don't want to consider anyone else's needs.

Or someone who insists they're just a very direct person, even though every conversation with them leaves someone else feeling unnecessarily small.

And before anyone thinks I'm suggesting we all become perfectly agreeable people who never upset anyone, I'm absolutely not. I actually like people with strong personalities. I like people who have opinions, who know what they want, who aren't afraid to disagree with me, and who don't need everyone in the room to approve of them.

Some of my favorite people are probably not everyone's cup of tea. But they're wonderful to the people who know them. They're dependable. They're thoughtful. They're funny. They're honest in a way that actually helps you. They know how to apologize. They can disagree with you without making it personal. They make room for other people's personalities instead of expecting everyone to accommodate theirs.

That's the difference I'm interested in. You don't need everyone to like you. But the people who know you well should have some pretty good reasons to.

And those reasons should go beyond the fact that they've simply gotten used to you.

I think about this a lot when it comes to building a team. Not every instructor at

BARE has the same personality, and I wouldn't want them to. Some are louder,

some are quieter, some are more playful, and some have a more serious approach

to teaching. They have different music tastes, different ways of connecting with

clients, and different personalities that naturally appeal to different people.

That's a good thing.

I don't want twelve versions of the same person teaching twelve versions of the

same class. I want instructors who bring their own personalities into the room while still delivering the same quality of experience.

And naturally, clients are going to have favorites. One person might love an instructor's energy while someone else prefers a completely different teaching style. That doesn't mean either instructor is doing something wrong. It means people connect with different things.

But there are certain qualities that shouldn't depend on personality. Being prepared. Being respectful. Caring about the people in front of you. Knowing how to communicate. Taking feedback seriously. Making someone feel welcome even if they aren't naturally your kind of person.

Those aren't personality traits. They're choices. And I think the same is true in friendships, relationships, families, and pretty much anywhere people have to coexist.

You can be introverted and still make people feel valued. You can be opinionated

and still be considerate. You can have boundaries without being dismissive. You can be confident without making everyone else feel inferior.

Being yourself and being good to people are not competing goals. I also think there's something worth examining about the people who genuinely do love being around us.

Not just the people who tolerate us because they've known us forever, or the

people who agree with everything we say, or the people who never challenge us. I'm talking about the people who actively choose us.

The friends who invite us because they know we'll make the night better. The

coworkers who are relieved when we're on the schedule together. The family

members who want us around. The people who trust us with something important because they know how we'll handle it.

What is it about us that makes their lives better? I think that's a much more interesting question than whether everyone likes us. And it's one I've been asking myself more as my own responsibilities have grown. It's easy to measure how well you're doing by what you're accomplishing. The business is growing, the classes are full, the team is expanding, and there are new projects to work on. Those things are exciting, and I'm proud of them.

But I also care about what it's like to be on the other side of me. What is it like to work with me? To bring me a problem? To tell me something I don't want to hear? To spend time with me when there's nothing productive to accomplish?

Am I someone who makes things better for the people around me, or am I

occasionally making things harder than they need to be?

I don't always love the answers to those questions, but I think they're worth asking. Because I don't want to become so attached to the idea of being unapologetically myself that I stop noticing how my behavior affects other people.

And I don't think anyone should have to choose between being authentic and being self-aware. Of course, even when you're doing your best, there will still be people who don't

particularly like you. Some personalities simply don't click. Some people will

misunderstand you. Others will form opinions about you based on experiences you don't even remember having.

That's life. You can be a genuinely good person and still not be someone's favorite. You can also receive criticism that isn't fair, and you don't have to rebuild your entire personality every time someone has an opinion about you.

The goal isn't to become universally liked. That sounds exhausting, and frankly, a little boring.The goal is to know the difference between someone not liking your personality

and someone having a legitimate problem with your behavior.

One is often a matter of compatibility.The other might be an opportunity to pay attention.

And if the same feedback keeps finding its way to you through different people,

different jobs, or different relationships, I think it's worth considering that maybe there's something to learn from it.

Not because everyone else is automatically right, but because being yourself shouldn't mean being unwilling to grow. I love the idea that we can have distinct personalities, strong opinions, different interests, and very different ways of moving through the world. I think life would be incredibly boring if everyone were equally agreeable, equally outgoing, and

equally interested in the same things.

But I also think we should want to be people others genuinely enjoy knowing. Not everyone.

Just the people whose lives we actually get to be part of. And maybe that's the part of "I'm not everyone's cup of tea" that we should spend a little more time thinking about.

It's perfectly fine if someone doesn't like your tea.

But if everyone who takes a sip has the same complaint, you might want to check what you're serving.

From my core to yours,

Maria Stege

Founder & CEO, BARE Pilates Studio

...and that’s The Naked Truth.